JASPER SCHURINGA — HERO

If everything is as it appears on Saturday, December 26, 2009, according to Fox News, we have a true Hero to thank for keeping Christmas 2009 from becoming “12-25-09″ in our memories. A cowardly crackpot religious zealot terrorist homicidal maniac cretan apparently tried killing around 300 people on a Delta/Northwest flight about to land in Detroit. It seems that this worthless excuse for a living organism wanted to be some kind of “hero” in the afterlife, the kind who gets waited on hand and foot by a bunch of fawning mindless virgins as a reward for comitting senseless slaughter in this life. As the blithering fool was getting his weapon into action, a Dutch film director named Jasper Schuringa smelled smoke, heard a popping sound, bounded over four fellow passengers and discovered an infernal device hidden beneath a blanket and between the dirtbag’s legs. Flames were rising. The Hero Schuringa grabbed the weapon, started beating out the flames by hand and was soon joined by flight crew personnel. Then, the Hero subdued the villain. The aircraft landed and the forces of evil had lost their latest despicable gambit, no innocent lives taken on the day the Christian world celebrates the birth of Jesus. We should all line up to shake the Hero Schuringa’s hand and hope he wins every Best Director award from now on — but a Congressional Medal of Honor might be more appropriate. As to the villain of the piece, let’s waterboard him or skateboard him or snowboard him until we recover every scintilla of useful information about the global terrorist network from his warped brain, then give him a fair trial — something his vile masters would not understand. If he’s convicted, kill him mercifully and be done with him. Enough of guys like him; never enough of guys like the Hero Schuringa.